“To acquire love, fill yourself up with it until you become a magnet.” Charles F. Haanel
The Persian mystic and poet, Rumi, once said that our task is not to seek for love but, “merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
When I first read this quote in my early 20s, it didn’t make sense to me. I wondered why anyone would build barriers within themselves, to prevent true love from entering their lives. After all, aren’t we all seeking our own version of ‘happily ever after’?
I understood his words better when I came across the popular New Age philosophy, the Law of Attraction. The law simply states that you attract whatever you focus on. In the book “The Secret,” a cult favorite among New-Ager’s, the experts claim that if you think about what you want enough, you will manifest it.
The people who buy into this notion believe that by simply thinking about their ideals and hopes for romantic love, they will manifest it. Skeptics dismiss it, viewing it as nothing more than a pseudoscience being sold to the naive. However, it’s important to remember that the principles date back far beyond its newfound popularity.
Buddha said, “What you have become is what you have thought.” This sentiment was popularized in the West when William Walker Atkinson, the editor of New Thought magazine, published his book “Thought Vibration Or, the Law of Attraction in the Thought World,” in1906, which quickly gained acceptance among his contemporaries.
Even if you don’t believe that thoughts emit energy that draws in things on the same frequency, you can still benefit from examining the beliefs that dominate your subconscious mind. When it comes to relationships, there are hidden beliefs and patterns from past experiences that can have a significant impact on your choices and behavior in intimate connections.
When you allow your unconsciousness to run the show, you get stuck in a never-ending cycle of unsatisfying and heartbreaking relationships. While on the surface you may want to attract a healthy partner, in real life, you could be attracting the exact opposite. The good news is that you can break the cycle by becoming aware of subconscious patterns that are blocking you from finding the love you really want.
According to author and founder of Imago Relationship Therapy, Harville Hendrix, romantic love delivers a partner who triggers the same frustrations we have with our parents to bring our childhood wounds to the surface and heal them. For example, if you were criticized as a child growing up, you’ll likely be highly sensitive to criticism from a partner. Feelings of abandonment, neglect, and suppression will also come up in our relationship patterns.
These unresolved core issues that arise from our childhood wounds, coupled with the relationship baggage we accumulate over the years, are the barriers that Rumi was referring to in his teachings. There are many techniques you can use to overwrite damaging thoughts, like visualization, cognitive behavioral therapy, EFT, and holistic modalities.
When I combined the Law of Attraction tools with traditional therapy to understand and heal the complicated dynamics in my upbringing, I noticed a gradual change in the trajectory of my life. I began to see pieces of the puzzle fall into place, and it became increasingly evident that there is an established order to the universe that works in our favor if we do the inner work.
There are no shortcuts or quick-fixes to finding true love. Understanding these timeless principles opens the door to relationships that uplift both you and your partner. Here are four things the Law of Attraction taught me about manifesting love:
1. Instead of looking for the right person, become the right person: We often create a vivid picture of the person of our dreams, hoping that they’ll transform our lives, or even rescue us from a dreaded reality. However, wanting someone because we are bored or lack something in our lives won’t bring them into our reality. This is the type of mindset that leads to neediness and desperation. Instead, we need to ask ourselves how we can fulfill our needs on a mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual level to reach a place of self-sufficiency. Taking responsibility for our happiness instead of depending on another will magnetically draw in the right person.
2. Having clarity about what you want in a partner (and relationship) is essential: When it comes to the law of attraction, you must name it to claim. It also makes sense from a practical perspective. It’s easier to spot the right person when you’re clear about the qualities you’re looking for in a partner. This clarity comes with experience, but it also comes from knowing yourself and what’s important to you. Besides the physical ‘type’ you’re attracted to, you need to pinpoint personality traits and lifestyle preferences: are they sporty, family-oriented, career-driven, creative, socially active, etc.? It’s especially important to focus on what you want, instead of what you don’t because the Law of Attraction draws in whatever you focus on. In addition to this mental list, think about the kind of things you would do together and the kind of future you want to share with them. Focus on what you want the relationship to look like and feel like.
3. Being open and releasing control gets you more of what you want: While having clarity about what we want is important, we have to avoid being overly attached to our preferences, especially when it comes to non-essential traits, like physical characteristics. People aren’t physical objects that we can limit to specific descriptions—they are multi-faceted beings, and we need to appreciate each facet that makes them who they are. Binding ourselves to an arbitrary list for potential matches energetically blocks suitors who might not seem attractive at first glance, but become increasingly attractive as we get to know them. When we open our minds and release attachments to fixed expectations, we’ll be able to recognize the perfect person for us, even if they don’t come in the package we were expecting. Letting go of expectations about when and how you’ll meet the right person is important too. It’s not easy to be patient and trust the process, but if we’re living a full life, the urgency to meet them goes away.
4. The partners you attract will always mirror you and your issues: Every significant partner you have will mirror your beliefs and the relationship that you have with yourself. If you find yourself drawn to connections that are full of drama, conflict, abuse, codependency, and jealousy, you can be sure that some unaddressed issues within you need to be acknowledged and healed. Own up to the baggage you bring into your relationships and commit to going inward to reach a place of wholeness. If you can’t do this on your own, seek the help of a professional therapist to move you through past issues and offer advice on how to change your behavior and attitude.
Ultimately, all relationships are meant to promote self-love and personal growth. I’ve found that every person I’ve been with has taught me something about myself, good and bad. They gave me a deeper insight into the mysterious and intangible realities of emotion and vulnerability. In doing so, it took me several steps ahead in my soul evolution. It made me appreciative of the richness and beauty within the human experience.
All my best on your journey,
Question for you: How has the Law of Attraction affected your personal life? What has it taught you about how you relate to others?
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