Honesty is often emphasized as a foundational element in building and maintaining healthy relationships. However, finding the right balance between brutal honesty and loving honesty can be a delicate task. Brutal honesty can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings, but sugarcoating can lead to a lack of relationship authenticity. This article explores the fine line between brutal honesty and loving honesty and how to strike the right balance to cultivate healthier and happier relationships. (Estimated reading: 10 minutes)
“There’s just some magic in truth and honesty and openness.”
– Frank Ocean
“The truth will set you free.” This proverb offers sage advice, especially for those living in a state of denial. Once the initial sting of hearing the truth wears off, even the harshest realizations can liberate us from delusions and false beliefs.
Often, the truth lands when someone else shares it with us. The challenge in this scenario is receiving their words without feeling bitter. We all have different tolerance levels for tough love and different skills for demonstrating it to others.
Some people have thicker skins and get peeved when they’re given soft soap and platitudes. Those who fall into this category prefer what they perceive as brutal honesty.
You’ve almost definitely been on the receiving end of brutal honesty. A friend, partner, or family member may have told you they want to be honest with you, and then the next thing you know, they rip into you like there’s no tomorrow. Their scathing comments may have left you wishing they had kept their honesty to themselves or expressed it with more tact and sensitivity.
Unfortunately, they are a product of our times. The word honesty has mutated into a form that goes against its intended effect: to support a dialogue of authenticity and develop deeper and more meaningful relationships. Adding “brutality” into the mix makes it hurtful and prevents the listener from getting the message, which may have a kernel of truth for them.
Growing up as a chubby kid and teen, different people commented on my weight, which impacted me in myriad ways. From bullies who addressed me with derogatory terms to the aunt who gingerly prodded me to eat healthier and play more sports, I witnessed the entire spectrum of honesty. This masterclass impressed me with the importance of kindness when expressing your thoughts about another person.
I learned there’s a big difference between brutal honesty and loving honesty because I viscerally knew how each affected me and my sense of worth. In both cases, people offer honest opinions and observations, which can be unpleasant. However, they are opposites in their emotional texture.
Usually, the intention of a brutally honest remark is not good. A person may deploy it to control, manipulate, hurt, or gaslight. A smaller segment may have been influenced by our society, which positions brutal honesty as a positive quality and an act that would benefit others.
But we can be honest without being brutal. Sometimes, the truth hurts, but there are plenty of ways to share a sincere, compassionate thought that creates a safe container for a person to process and learn from their follies.
We can give the gift of honesty to our fellow humans, knowing that they are just as fallible as we are.
Understanding the difference between brutal honesty and loving honesty
Honesty is a virtue highly valued in relationships. It forms the foundation of trust and allows individuals to share their thoughts, feelings, and opinions with one another. But it can be taken to the extreme when we’re brutally honest.
A brutally honest person shows a lack of consideration for the emotions of others. Brutal honesty involves delivering the truth harshly and bluntly, often without regard for its potential impact on the recipient. While the intention behind brutal honesty may be transparency and authenticity, it can often lead to feelings of hurt and resentment and even damage the relationship.
What we should be aiming for instead is loving honesty. It involves expressing the truth in a considerate and compassionate way. We consider the other person’s feelings and strive to communicate the truth without causing them unnecessary pain or harm.
Loving honesty recognizes the importance of maintaining trust and respect within the relationship while still addressing important issues or concerns.
Striking a balance between brutal honesty and loving honesty requires empathy, emotional intelligence, and effective communication skills. It involves understanding when to be direct and when to choose words and delivery methods that are kind and gentle to the other person.
Why brutal honesty damages relationships
While brutal honesty may seem like the most authentic approach to some people, it often comes with negative consequences in relationships. When someone is brutally honest, they may fail to consider the impact of their words on the other person’s emotions and often get the opposite of their desired effect.
One of the main drawbacks of brutal honesty is the potential to cause hurt and resentment. When someone delivers their thoughts or opinions in a harsh and insensitive manner, the recipient is likely to feel attacked or belittled. This can lead to a breakdown in trust and may even result in the other person withdrawing from the relationship.
Being brutally honest can also lead to misunderstandings and miscommunication. When focusing solely on expressing one’s truth without considering how it may be received, important information may be lost or misinterpreted, creating unnecessary conflict and strain in the relationship.
Lastly, brutal honesty can erode a person’s self-esteem and confidence. Constant criticism or harsh feedback can make people feel inadequate and unworthy. This can have long-lasting effects on their self-image and overall well-being, ultimately impacting the relationship dynamics.
Loving honesty: a better way to show honesty in relationships
While brutal honesty has drawbacks, we need some form of honesty to sustain healthy relationships. Honesty forms the bedrock of trust — vital for any relationship’s growth and longevity.
When both individuals are honest with each other, it creates an environment of openness and vulnerability. This allows for deeper connection and a greater understanding of one another’s needs, desires and boundaries. Honesty fosters an atmosphere where both parties feel safe to express themselves authentically, leading to increased intimacy and emotional connection.
Moreover, honesty promotes effective problem-solving and conflict resolution. When both individuals are transparent about their thoughts and feelings, it becomes easier to address issues and find mutually beneficial solutions. Honest communication helps prevent the buildup of resentment and allows for timely conflict resolution, leading to healthier and more satisfying relationships.
When individuals are truthful with each other, they can provide constructive feedback and support each other’s aspirations. Honesty encourages accountability and creates opportunities for learning and development within the relationship.
The benefits of loving honesty in relationships
While brutal honesty can be detrimental, loving honesty offers many benefits in relationships. When we practice loving honesty, we prioritize both our own and the other person’s emotional well-being. Here are three benefits of showing loving honesty:
1. Loving honesty fosters trust and authenticity: By expressing thoughts and feelings in a considerate and compassionate manner, we create an environment of safety and vulnerability. This allows for open and honest conversations where both parties feel valued and respected.
2. Loving honesty promotes effective communication: We’re more likely to be heard and understood when mindful of our words and delivery. Expressing ourselves lovingly makes conveying critical information and addressing concerns easier without causing unnecessary pain or damage to the relationship.
3. Loving honesty also strengthens the emotional bond we share with others: It deepens intimacy and connection when both parties feel comfortable expressing their true selves. Loving honesty allows for sharing fears, vulnerabilities, and insecurities, creating a sense of mutual support and understanding.
4. Loving honesty encourages personal growth and self-awareness: By engaging in honest conversations, we can gain valuable insights and perspectives from each other. This leads to self-reflection, self-improvement, and a deeper understanding of our needs and desires within the relationship.
How to express honesty in relationships in a loving way
Communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. When expressing honesty, using effective communication techniques can make all the difference. It’s important to remember that the goal is not to avoid difficult conversations or hide our true feelings but rather to express them to promote understanding and growth.
These five steps will help you accomplish that:
1. Use “I” statements.
Instead of making accusatory or judgmental statements, share your feelings and experiences. For example, instead of saying, “You always make me feel ignored,” try saying, “I feel ignored when I don’t receive a response to my messages.” This approach allows the other person to understand your perspective without feeling attacked.
2. Practice active listening.
Listening is another crucial aspect of effective communication. When someone shares their thoughts or feelings with you, make a conscious effort to truly listen and understand their point of view. Avoid interrupting or formulating a response in your head while they are speaking.
Reflect back on what they have said to ensure that you have understood correctly, and ask clarifying questions if needed. By actively listening, you show respect and create a safe space for open and honest communication.
3. Be assertive.
Assertiveness is key to expressing honesty in a loving way. It’s important to be clear and direct in your communication while still being respectful of the other person’s feelings. Avoid passive-aggressive behavior or beating around the bush. Instead, express your thoughts and feelings calmly and assertively.
Use “I” statements to convey your perspective and avoid blaming or criticizing the other person. This approach allows for open dialogue and can lead to a deeper understanding between both parties.
4. Cultivate trust.
Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Without trust, it becomes difficult to cultivate genuine connections and maintain open lines of communication. Honest communication plays a crucial role in building and maintaining trust. Here’s how to infuse trust in your relationship:
- Be consistent in your words and actions. When you consistently follow through on your commitments and promises, it demonstrates reliability and integrity. This consistency helps to build trust over time, as the other person can rely on your honesty and know that you will act in alignment with your words.
- Practice transparency. Being open and transparent about your thoughts, feelings, and intentions can help create an environment of trust. Being transparent shows that you have nothing to hide and are willing to be vulnerable. This openness encourages the other person to reciprocate and fosters a sense of trust and authenticity in the relationship.
- Address any breaches of trust promptly and honestly. If you make a mistake or inadvertently break trust, take responsibility for your actions and apologize sincerely. Avoid making excuses or shifting blame. By owning up to your mistakes and taking accountability, you demonstrate your commitment to honesty and rebuilding trust.
5. Overcoming potential roadblocks in practicing loving honesty.
Practicing loving honesty can sometimes be challenging, especially when faced with difficult conversations or sensitive topics. That’s why it’s essential to be ready for these challenges that may come up so that your communication creates the intended effect of deepening your bond with others.
- The fear of confrontation or conflict. Many people avoid expressing their true thoughts and feelings to avoid potential disagreements or discomfort. However, avoiding confrontation can lead to a lack of resolution and build resentment over time. It’s important to recognize that healthy conflict can be productive and lead to growth in a relationship. Embracing discomfort and facing difficult conversations head-on can help foster deeper connections and understanding.
- The fear of hurting the other person’s feelings. While we need to be mindful of the impact of our words, it’s equally important to remember that withholding honesty can also cause harm in the long run. Finding a balance between expressing honesty and delivering it in a compassionate and considerate way is key. Focus on the intention behind your words and choose your words carefully. By approaching sensitive topics with empathy and kindness, you can minimize unnecessary pain while still being honest.
- Inability to set and respect boundaries. Boundaries are crucial in practicing loving honesty. It’s important to communicate and establish boundaries with the people in our lives and to respect their boundaries as well. Boundaries provide a framework for open and honest communication, allowing both parties to express themselves without fear of judgment or overstepping. When boundaries are respected, it creates a safe space for loving honesty to thrive.
The quality of your life ultimately depends on the quality of your relationships. Whether it’s a romantic partnership, a friendship, or a professional relationship, practicing loving honesty can lead to deeper connections and a greater sense of authenticity. By being intentional and mindful of the impact of your words while being true to yourself, you step into a deeper dimension of being where you can flourish.
All my best on your journey,
Seline
Questions for you: What do you think is the best way to express honesty in relationships? Do you lean more toward brutal honesty or loving honesty?
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Loving honesty is the bridge that connects authenticity with compassion. It’s about speaking truthfully from a place of care, understanding, and respect, even when the conversation might be difficult. In relationships, it fosters trust, deepens connections, and cultivates an environment where both parties can grow and thrive together
So many people could do with reading this blog I think! It is something I feel a lot of people, myself included, have struggled with at least once in their lives. I dare say many people struggle with this sort of thing more than they want to admit or even realise. Thank you for sharing this with us!