In a world consumed by superficial interactions and fleeting digital connections, truly seeing someone is a rarity. But when we look beyond the façade, we discover the unique stories, struggles, and dreams that shape each individual. In this article, we’ll explore the essence of seeing others for who they truly are, redefining how we connect, feeling seen and flourish together in a world that often prioritizes surface-level encounters. (Estimated reading time: 14 minutes)
“To see and to be seen. That is the truest nature of love.”
– Brené Brown
How often do you really notice the people around you? Not just their faces or what they’re doing but who they truly are.
In a world filled with rushed schedules and fleeting conversations, it’s easy to skim the surface. We exchange polite words, scroll past updates, and assume we’ve connected. But there’s more to seeing someone than just acknowledging their presence.
I admit I sometimes get caught up in my thoughts and forget to do this. However, I’ve improved my understanding of feeling seen over the years by finding motivation in historical figures and stories like The Hunchback of Notre Dame, a film I’ve come to value more as I’ve grown older. This film taught me that it only takes one small act of kindness to change someone’s world.
In the movie, Esmeralda, voiced by Demi Moore, shows us how seeing someone for who they truly are can transform their lives and our own. When she defends Quasimodo, she doesn’t see his appearance or the labels society has thrown at him—she sees his heart. Her compassion doesn’t just help Quasimodo find confidence; it inspires those around her to challenge their prejudice.
When Esmeralda meets Quasimodo, society sees a “monster,” defined by a physical difference that has subjected him to a lifetime of isolation. Her first encounter with him is filled with honesty and curiosity. When she initially assumes he’s wearing a mask, she’s focused on his presence and gestures, not his physical appearance. But once she realizes the truth, her reaction doesn’t change. She doesn’t recoil or treat him differently. Instead, she treats him as an equal.
Esmeralda’s empathy shifts their dynamic instantly. Rather than pitying him, she sees Quasimodo’s creativity and kindness. She notices his artistic world, carefully built in secret, and expresses admiration. It’s a moment where she connects with his humanity, showing that she values the person he is, not the image others project onto him.
And the result? Quasimodo begins to see himself differently. Her belief in him acts as a mirror, reflecting the good he didn’t know others could recognize. His confidence grows, and he challenges the narrative Frollo has imposed on him for years.
Think about how rare this is in a world that often judges people based on externals. How often do we fail to look past someone’s appearance, circumstances, or even their mistakes?
In life, we constantly meet people who carry invisible stories, challenges, pain, and potential we may never initially consider. What would happen if, like Esmeralda, we paused to see beyond the surface?
Truly seeing someone means looking beyond our own needs and expectations, and stepping into their reality. It’s about showing up with intention, curiosity, and the willingness to understand what makes them, them.
Esmeralda’s compassion teaches us a timeless lesson: when we choose to see the heart of others, not just their outward appearance or labels, we open the door to transformation. Her kindness towards Quasimodo isn’t just an act of defiance against society’s cruelty. It’s a reminder of humanity’s potential for connection and understanding through the power of feeling seen.
Why we need to experience feeling seen
In every relationship, from family ties to friendships to romantic connections, there’s a profound human need to feel seen. It’s not about being noticed in a superficial sense but about being acknowledged for who you are. This recognition makes us feel less alone, more connected, and fundamentally more human. Feeling seen validates our existence, nurtures emotional intimacy, and strengthens bonds in ways few other experiences can.
The psychology of feeling seen
At its core, the feeling of being seen is tied to our psychological need for connection and validation. Humans are wired for belonging; it’s in our DNA. When someone sees us authentically by acknowledging our emotions, experiences, and individuality, it satisfies a deep-rooted need for acceptance. It’s not just about hearing words of affirmation; it’s about feeling understood and valued.
Connection is an essential part of the human experience and is more than a series of interactions; it is about feeling seen, heard, and understood by others. True connection involves a deep sense of empathy and presence, where two individuals resonate emotionally and psychologically. This form of connection goes beyond the superficial exchanges that often dominate our daily lives, demanding a level of engagement and sincerity that is both rare and precious.
When someone truly sees you, a unique connection forms. It signals emotional safety—the ability to be your unpolished self without fear of judgment. Psychologists emphasize that this kind of connection of feeling seen fulfills not only personal validation but also a broader need for relational intimacy. It reinforces the idea that your presence, voice, and feelings matter.
Think about the joy of talking to someone who genuinely listens, who isn’t just waiting for their turn to speak. It’s transformative. That moment of mutual understanding can repair emotional wounds, strengthen trust, and contribute to healthier relationships overall. This is why, for many, feeling seen is equal to feeling loved.
In the age of technology, where digital communication often replaces face-to-face interactions, the essence of genuine connection can be easily lost. We might find ourselves scrolling through social media, liking posts, and sharing memes, but these activities rarely fulfill our deeper need for human connection.
Authentic connections require us to be fully present, to look beyond the surface, and to engage with the true essence of another person. This means moving past small talk and superficial pleasantries to explore the depths of another’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
The cost of ignoring the need of feeling seen
What happens when this basic need for connection is neglected? The consequences ripple through every relationship. We feel invisible when we’re unseen, like our thoughts, struggles, and victories have no weight. Over time, this emotional disconnect can cause loneliness, resentment, and even a sense of rejection.
In relationships, failing to see or be seen often leads to superficial dynamics. Conversations don’t flow, misunderstandings pile up, and a chasm of unmet emotional needs widens.
Imagine a friendship or marriage where communication is hollow, consisting only of surface-level interactions, without diving into who the other person really is. It’s the emotional equivalent of treading water—staying afloat but never moving forward. The longer this persists, the more dangerous it becomes. People withdraw, fearing further rejection or invalidation, and relationships suffer.
Without the thread of genuine connection, bonds fray, leaving both parties unfulfilled. The emotional consequences aren’t just limited to isolation. They can manifest as anxiety, self-doubt, and feelings of inadequacy, robbing people of the emotional growth and resilience they gain through meaningful relationships.
Relationships thrive when people feel seen. Without it, we miss not only a connection with others but also with ourselves. Recognizing and addressing this need can transform how we interact, communicate, and nurture the people we care about most.
Three signs you’re only scratching the surface
Many of us go through life engaging in surface-level interactions without realizing it. While seemingly harmless, these interactions can leave us feeling disconnected and unfulfilled. Here are some ways to know that you are not seeing the whole picture:
1. A lack of meaningful conversations: If your interactions are limited to small talk and superficial topics, it may be a sign that you are not delving deep enough to truly understand and connect with the other person.
2. Absence of emotional intimacy: Surface-level relationships often lack the depth of emotional connection that characterizes genuine relationships. If you find that you are not sharing your true feelings or that the other person is not opening up to you, it may indicate that your relationship is not as deep as it could be. Emotional intimacy is a key component of meaningful connections. Relationships can feel shallow and unfulfilling without it.
3. A lack of trust and vulnerability: True connection requires us to be vulnerable and to trust others with our true selves. If you are holding back or do not fully trust the other person, it may be a sign that your relationship is not as deep and authentic as it could be. Overcoming these barriers and fostering a sense of trust and vulnerability can help to deepen your connections and create more meaningful relationships.
Seeing others is a two-way street
The essence of connection lies in reciprocity. Whether it’s a conversation with a friend, an interaction with a loved one, or even a quick exchange with a colleague, a meaningful connection isn’t one-sided. It requires active effort from both parties—being seen and seeing in return.
This mutual act isn’t always automatic; it takes emotional investment, courage, and communication. Let’s explore what it takes to truly embrace the balance of giving and receiving in this human dynamic.
- Balancing being seen and seeing others
At the heart of any healthy relationship lies a rhythm of mutual understanding—a give-and-take where both people feel visible and validated. Imagine a bridge: it’s not just supported on one side. Each pillar contributes equally, ensuring that the structure stands strong. This is how relationships thrive.
In moments when we share our thoughts, emotions, or struggles, we seek validation and understanding. But here’s the catch: the person on the other side wants to feel the same.
It creates imbalance if we’re always focused on being understood without offering the space for the other person’s experiences. When one person constantly gives without receiving—or vice versa—the connection weakens.
Here are ways to maintain this balance:
- Practice mutual vulnerability: Share your truth while inviting others to share theirs. Ask meaningful questions instead of dominating the conversation.
- Be present: Whether someone is telling you about their tough day or an exciting achievement, show them you’re fully listening. Avoid multitasking or just waiting for your turn to speak.
- Check your intentions: Are you connecting to deepen the bond or solely to have your thoughts affirmed? Genuine connection requires you to set aside personal agendas.
When we intentionally step into someone else’s reality and allow them into ours, we create a sense of equality. This balance fosters trust and strengthens emotional intimacy, making each person feel genuinely valued.
- Overcoming fear of vulnerability
Why do we hesitate to open up emotionally? For many, vulnerability feels risky, like exposing a tender part of ourselves that could be rejected or misunderstood. Yet, without vulnerability, relationships remain shallow—a garden left unattended.
To see and be seen, we must break through these fears. Vulnerability, though uncomfortable, is the soil in which trust grows.
A fear of vulnerability often stems from past experiences. Maybe someone judged us harshly, dismissed our feelings, or made us regret exposing ourselves. These moments build walls meant to protect us from pain but often end up isolating us instead. Vulnerability isn’t about tearing these walls down recklessly. It’s about finding safe spaces and intentionally letting them down bit by bit.
How can you move past the fear of vulnerability?
- Start small: You don’t have to lay everything bare at once. Share a little truth, whether it’s a personal joy or a quiet fear, and observe the response. Gradual sharing builds confidence.
- Reframe vulnerability as a strength: Being emotionally open isn’t a weakness; it’s courage and a willingness to show up fully as yourself.
- Challenge negative self-talk: If your inner voice says, “Don’t share this. They won’t understand,” pause. Often, this fear is a reflection of past hurt, not present reality.
- Choose safe people: Not everyone will honor your vulnerability, and that’s okay. Start with those who’ve shown they value and respect your emotions in the past.
Think of vulnerability as cracking open a window in a dark room. At first, the light feels harsh and overwhelming. Over time, though, it illuminates everything, revealing beauty you might not have seen otherwise. The more comfortable you become with letting others in, the more they’ll feel safe to open up in return.
In relationships, whether platonic or romantic, openness paves the way for genuine connection. It bridges the gap between facades and authenticity, helping individuals see and appreciate each other for who they are.
Practical ways to truly see someone
Truly seeing someone is more than just taking in their appearance or noticing their actions. It’s about understanding their experiences, emotions, and identity. It requires intention and effort to go beyond surface-level interactions and create a space where the other person feels valued and understood. Here are three practical ways to truly connect with others.
1. Be curious, not judgmental
Curiosity is the key to unlocking connection. When you approach someone with genuine interest instead of judgment, you open the door for authenticity. This means asking questions, not out of obligation, but from a real desire to get to know them.
Think about when someone asked you, “How are you really doing?” and meant it. Didn’t it feel refreshing? This is what being curious does: it signals to others that they matter and that their story deserves to be heard.
Instead of jumping to conclusions or projecting your own experiences onto them, stay open. You might discover layers to someone that you never expected.
Here’s how to practice curiosity without judgment:
- Ask open-ended questions: These invite meaningful conversations. Instead of saying, “Was your day good?” ask, “What’s been the best part of your day so far?”
- Practice active listening: Active listening involves fully engaging with the other person and paying attention to their words, emotions, and non-verbal cues. It means listening without interrupting, offering feedback, and validating their feelings.
- Avoid assumptions: People are often much more than what meets the eye. Reserve judgment until you’ve genuinely listened.
- Celebrate differences: If someone shares a perspective that challenges your worldview, see it as an opportunity to learn, not a disagreement.
Curiosity is like holding up a flashlight in a dark room. It illuminates the unseen aspects of someone’s life.
2. Focus on the other person’s perspective
In heated moments or simple misunderstandings, defaulting to your own perspective is natural. But if you pause and try to view the situation through the other person’s eyes, you open the door to empathy. This doesn’t mean you must agree with them, but understanding their feelings and motivations adds depth to the interaction.
One practical way to do this is to reframe your mental narrative. Imagine you’re watching their movie instead of yours. What might the plot twists, challenges, or wins look like from their point of view? This approach forces you to see what influences their decisions, even if they aren’t initially clear to you.
Ask yourself questions like:
- What might they be going through right now?
- Why might they feel the way they do?
- How would I respond if I were in their position?
Stepping into someone else’s shoes, especially in moments of conflict, can dissolve defensiveness and foster mutual understanding. When you approach conversations this way, people feel less like opponents and more like partners in dialogue.
3. Consistency builds trust
A one-time effort may capture someone’s interest, but sustained actions solidify trust and show that you genuinely care. Small yet regular gestures of connection go a long way in deepening your bond with someone.
Imagine a pitcher pouring water into a glass over time. Each drop might seem insignificant on its own, but eventually, it fills the glass. The same goes for consistent efforts. Sending a quick text to check in, remembering something they mentioned in passing, or showing up when it counts, these simple acts cumulatively say, “I see you, and I value you.”
Here’s how to build trust with consistent actions:
- Follow through on promises: Nothing erodes trust faster than empty words. If you commit to something, make sure you deliver.
- Be present regularly: Even brief moments of undivided attention, like setting aside your phone during a conversation, reinforce your presence.
- Express appreciation openly: Sometimes, people just need to hear that they matter to you. By acknowledging and appreciating the other person’s contributions, qualities, and presence, we show them they are valued and important.
Consistency isn’t about grand gestures; it’s about small, authentic moments that say, “You’re important to me.” Over time, these efforts create a foundation of trust and deepen connections that withstand challenges.
By being curious, stepping into someone else’s perspective, and showing up consistently, you create an environment where people feel truly seen. It’s not just about noticing someone. It’s about making them feel recognized for who they are at their core.
Overcome barriers to genuine connection
Several barriers, including fear, distractions, and misunderstandings, can prevent us from forming true connections. Overcoming these barriers requires intentional effort and practice.
- Fear: One common barrier is fear, particularly the fear of vulnerability and rejection. To overcome this barrier, we need to cultivate courage and trust. This involves taking small steps to open up and share our true selves and trusting that the other person will respond with understanding and compassion.
- Distractions: In our fast-paced and technology-driven world, it’s easy to become distracted and disengaged. To overcome this barrier, we must practice mindfulness and be fully present in our interactions. This means setting aside distractions, such as phones or other devices, and giving our undivided attention to the other person. Being fully present allows us to engage more deeply and authentically, fostering a stronger connection.
- Misunderstandings: These often arise from a lack of communication or assumptions. We need to practice active listening and open communication to overcome this barrier. This involves listening without interrupting, asking clarifying questions, and openly expressing our thoughts and feelings.
Ultimately, seeing someone beyond the surface is about recognizing their unique stories, struggles, and dreams. It is about engaging with their true essence and creating a space where they feel seen, understood, and valued. Through the power of feeling seen and by embracing depth in our interactions, we can make a more compassionate, empathetic, and connected world where genuine relationships thrive and enrich our lives.
All my best on your journey,
Seline
Questions for you: What steps should someone take for you to feel seen and understood? Do you practice this kind of behavior in your own interactions with others?
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