The romantics in us want to believe that we know when love is worth fighting for. The truth is that it’s only worth fighting for if both parties are willing to fight for it equally. The fight is not worth it if you lose your self-esteem and feel miserable – real love always makes you stronger. Discover if someone is worth the effort and how you can love from a place of strength and intention in order to find out when love is worth fighting for. (Estimated reading time: 6-7 minutes)
“In the absence of love, there is nothing worth fighting for.”— Elijah Wood
We’ve all heard the saying that “anything worth having is worth fighting for.” For many people, finding true love falls into that category.
When we’re smitten with someone, we’re willing to move mountains to capture their heart, whether that involves driving cross-country to see them or cooking their favorite meals. In the arena of love and courtship, nothing is off limits.
Traditionally, the word “fight” is associated with masculinity. But being passive (considered traditionally a feminine trait) involves a fight too – an inner struggle to manage our impulses to take action and speed things up, when sometimes the best move is to wait and watch.
As romantic as the notion of fighting for love is, it can be a dangerous one. Without direction and awareness, it can become a force as destructive as a forest fire that consumes and destroys.
When the fire of passion is lit within us, we must stoke the embers to maintain a steady flame. One way to do that is by asking ourselves the question, “is this love worth fighting for?”
The courage to love: knowing the value of our hearts
To love is an act of courage. Opening our hearts to reveal the good, bad, and the ugly parts of our personas, with the possibility of being judged and hurt, requires bravery.
Deciding whether someone is worthy of taking the risk of opening our hearts begins with knowing our value and believing that giving someone access to our heart space is a privilege. The courage to love another must be rooted in a place of inner strength.
When we’re weak, we’re prone to seeking someone to fill a void – that’s when the fight for love works against us. Without loving from a place of worthiness, we become easy prey for those who manipulate, control, and form co-dependent relationships.
During these moments, it becomes crucial to remind ourselves that attraction isn’t enough to justify the pursuit of love. The other person must have more skin in the game by appreciating your efforts and honoring all that you bring to the table.
It’s only when there is a fair exchange of energy that two people can prosper, grow, and be their best selves, which is ultimately the purpose of coming into union with another being.
Having standards: meeting needs and expectations
Before making any purchases, most of us assess the object or service to see if it’s worth investing in. On some level, we have certain standards that need to be met before we hand over our hard-earned money.
If you’re buying a dress, you look at the fabric, color, and fit. Prior to working with a therapist, you look at their experience, qualifications, and testimonials. Applying the same deliberate approach to love will benefit us.
While none of us is perfect, and all relationships take work and compromise, having clear expectations ensures that our connections are high-quality and rewarding.
Fighting for love is a lost cause without the right mix of fun, compatibility, friendship, acceptance, support, and attraction. If both people aren’t feeling loved and supported, it will never allow for long-term sustainability and happiness.
Love becomes healthier when we have standards. It doesn’t make us selfish or calculating, as some people might claim. Rather, it’s an act of self-care that creates a dynamic where we can be generous with the person we’re with.
Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Han says that understanding is the essence of love. In his book, “How to Fight” he writes:
“Training is needed in order to love properly; and to be able to give happiness and joy, you must practice deep looking directed toward the person you love. Because if you do not understand this person, you cannot love properly.”
Understanding our needs and the needs of others (and knowing how to meet them), sets us up for a mutual healthy love that can help us ride any challenge without resentment or regret – creating a love that is truly worth fighting for.
Relationship fatigue: staying strong on the journey of love
Knowing what we want in a partnership isn’t enough to succeed in the quest for relationship bliss. We need stamina to engage in trial and error and to overcome speed bumps and detours along the way, especially when it’s not a solo quest.
No matter who we’re dealing with, there are going to be differences – in behavior, preferences, and expectations. The blending of two different personalities is not meant to be easy; in fact, it can be downright tiring.
A single person who can’t find their dream partner after a spell of bad dates will find themselves frustrated and slipping into a state of hopelessness, with a victim mentality. In a fit of despair, they might wonder why nothing ever works out for them.
A person in a relationship will tell the forlorn single that the other side of the fence isn’t always a bed of roses. Loving the person you’re with can be a challenge during the rough patches, especially when you can’t see eye to eye. It’s hard to hold on when your interest in finding a resolution is waning.
Both singles and couples will reach these critical points on their journey to love. The survival of their dream of love means getting back up on their feet, dusting themselves off, and becoming intentional about what they say and do.
If you find yourself traversing these tricky grounds, ask yourself these questions:
- Is there an easier way to get the outcome that I want?
- Is there a better strategy or plan that I can follow?
- Will I feel better with support and guidance from another?
- How can I communicate my needs more lovingly and effectively?
- How can I be a better listener so that I can make others feel heard, seen, and understood?
Oftentimes, we may just need to catch our breath and take a break. Dating fatigue is a real phenomenon that can send us down a rabbit hole of negativity.
Change your focus to other areas in your life like building your career, taking up a new course of study, starting a new project, or spending more time with friends and family. Taking a time-out can bring back perspective and refuel your emotions.
When to push forward: follow your inner GPS
Becoming aware of our blindspots and developing standards from a place of worthiness makes it easier to identify partners and relationships that are worth fighting for. In addition to this, we can consult our intuition, the wise inner consul that resides within us.
Like a GPS, a well-honed intuition can guide us in the right direction and improve the quality of our choices. This intelligence pulsates through our bodies in the form of subtle feelings of “knowingness”.
When you’re tuned in to what your body is telling you, you can recognize when you’ve met a person of significance. There is an “internal yes” that reverberates from within and a sense of home when you’re with them.
Your intuition can keep you out of harm’s way as well. If you feel like something just doesn’t add up and is not right about the person you’re dealing with, that is the instinctual part of you warning to proceed cautiously.
This guidance is key when you’re dealing with people with narcissistic tendencies, who appear well-intentioned through their smooth talking and suave demeanor. Intuition will help you to see through that.
Having faith: find perfection in imperfection
As you go through the journey, be kind to yourself. Finding true love isn’t meant to be easy or simple. Wisdom and joy can be found in the messiness of the struggle. By going through it, you become stronger, better, and more appreciative.
The right person will come into your life with all their messiness and flaws. Loving them won’t be simple, and it won’t be easy, but when you look into their eyes you’ll find beauty in their imperfection, and they will see the same in yours – this is when love is worth fighting for.
In this container of acceptance, they will continue to fight with and for you on the new path that you forge together.
All my best on your journey,
Question for you: What’s the most valuable lesson that you’ve learned in your relationships? Has it shown you when love is worth fighting for? Why or why not?
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